It was another covert beach operation that failed miserably today. The first day we ventured to the beach, I casually and inconspicuously eyed where we could place our towels as to avoid as much skin as possible. I find a stretch of real estate that is fairly small but completely encircle by family-friendly beach goers. We all got situated, the boys headed down to the water, and I settled in for a quick nap and some relaxation time. Some time had passed and I decided to check on the boys to make sure the current hadn’t pulled them too far down stream. I sit up and scan the scenery to locate the boys. While I was napping, three other groups of people had managed to squeeze onto our piece of property. Where ever I look, north, east, and west I see Nice sunbathers at their finest. I start looking at the beach more closely since I know what I am looking for. There are a few sprinkled in other areas, but not a concentration like around us. Maybe they thought they would offset the obvious body image problems we have reflected in our densely clothed bodies. They were nice people I am sure, half way on the road to naked, but nice I am sure.

Surprisingly, the boys are oblivious to it. The only nudity that has bothered them is the kids their age. All the little children under the age of two are usually completely naked. All the others just wear swimsuit bottoms. That freaked out Tanner and Tyler when girls their age were running around dressed like the little boys. I think if they wanted to they could share like hair bows, just swap them out. No need for bathrooms either because they don’t believe in changing in bathrooms.

Europeans do not go to the beach in their swimsuits like we do. You come to the beach, walk down on the beach, find your spot for the day, and set up your towel. You then proceed to dig in your bag for your swimsuit. Now the next part can be done in a variety of fashions. All ways listed are from personal experience. Why would I make this up? They are as follow:

1.      Pull out a towel or scarf to cover yourself while you change into your swimsuit. This has its limits. All pull their clothes off and remain on the beach in their underwear. Nobody covers their tops as they change from underwear to swimsuits. What is the point when you are going to ditch the top in two seconds anyway? I don’t even know why they sell tops here. Hands are used more often than tops to cover upstairs when a lady is going to swim or sit up and have a look around. About half the ladies don’t even do that. They run around the beach chasing their kids, splashing in the water, and talking to the neighbor. We even saw a lady interviewed for the local news today in nothing but a bottom. Everyone carried on like the Emperor and the Empress had their clothes on. We got cut out of the shot for obvious reasons; we definitely didn’t look like locals even though we have seen the jellyfish too. If they could find a way to double the tops as a second suit bottoms they would at least wear out their suit at the same time. I think the ladies could buy one top that would last their whole life and just rotate out the bottoms. I guess you could always share the suit with your friend. We have seen some bottoms that have been questionable as to qualifying for a swimsuit bottom. I think there was more cloth on Tanner’s band aide than the back of the suit; but I am no fashion expert, especially on the French Riviera. Or, to be fair, you can take turns as to which part of the suit you wear. We saw a lady who we thought had her whole suit on so we camped the family right next to her. Didn’t realize until she got up that it was switch day and she was only wearing the top and not the bottoms. No problem, after lunch she gave equal opportunity nudity and took her top off. She built sand castles, swam, and everything else with one half of the suit on at all times. Well, at least she was being fair. Now the scarf or towel can vary. We have seen the cover-ups range from fishnet scarves, which I don’t know why they even bother, all the way to dish towels, which have the same effect as the fishnet scarves, but leave absolutely nothing to the imagination. The regular towel is not much better since they use one hand to try and hold it on while using the other hand to discard their underwear and pull their suit on. All, invariably, end in frustration and the beachgoer is forced to just ditch the little bit of modesty he or she was trying to display, drop the would-be cover-up and finish with the business.

2.      There is the I don’t care at all changer who stands right where he/she has set up shop, drops his/her clothes like they were at home getting in the shower but neglected to ask if I wanted to shower with them because I am close enough in proximity that I could if I wanted to, but I really don’t. They then take the time to meticulously fold up their discarded clothes and neatly pack them away in their bag. The abandon only occurs with the changing. This process repeats itself at the end of the day. Heaven forbid wearing your swimsuit anywhere but right on the beach where you have been sitting all day. The process repeats itself in the same steps and fashion, just in reverse. And yes, a lady puts her bikini top back on to sit up to take it right off again to put her bra on. The rules that have to be followed for beach etiquette are mind-boggling. Oh joy, if I am at the beach long enough, I get to see this whole process all over again.

3.      There are those who sit on their towels scoot their pants down so you only get a full moon depending on which angle you are laying. Their underclothes and suits come on and off with a kind of inchworm motion. This also has a dual purpose of flattening the rocks while you are readying for your beach day. I have been tempted to try this method of flattening the rocks instead of our stomping, but don’t know if it follows beach etiquette if I am not changing into my suit. I don’t want to have a cousin of Giuseppe show up and start ripping my pants off. If you get the moon view, this is less damaging to the eyes than the front view because you are only exposed to a jiggling bum instead of all the other stuff jiggling on the other side. If you are unfortunate to be facing the front, move quickly or you will be scared for life. Don’t ask how I know.

4.      Beach etiquette European style also requires you to shower off the salt water before you leave the beach. This is done in varying ways also. Some put both pieces of their suit on which is our preferred method, some leave only their bottoms on and shower, which we are getting used to. While a small few decide that going to the showers should be just like at home. Leave all that you brought folded up nicely in your bag until you need it. The boys caught onto this the other day when they were headed down for an evening swim and a man saunters up to the showers a good fifty yards from his towel, scrubs down any unwanted dirt – good thing there are only rocks and not sand so the scrubbing and digging is limited. Non-the-less, if I saw this I would just downplay the situation and move one. What does Dad do? Says to the boys, “Nuh, uh…. Where?” Seriously? Can we leave the proven scientist at home. I don’t care if they say they saw Aphrodite farting rainbows in the sky, you just say, “uh, huh…” and move on.

5.      Europeans have no personal space with or without clothes on. It is bad enough that the majority of the beach is only wearing clothing from the waist down, PDA is also a given. We left the beach early the other day because some sixty year-old plus couple showed up acting worse than a couple of teenagers. Seriously? Part of beach etiquette is taking amore to the beach. How about a box of chocolates and some flowers and we’ll call it good.    

6.      Europeans play at the beach with or without swimming suits just the same. On our walk back from Farat we had to cross a number of beaches trying to climb out of the coastal road. One end of the beach would have a set of stairs, but the other might not, so it was a gamble. On one of these gambles, Tyler was a few steps ahead of me, rounded the corner first and said, “Oh look, a soccer Mom.” I thought, how fun. We haven’t seen many of them here. Sure enough, when I cleared the corner, there was a mom with a soccer ball. That is all she had with her – a soccer ball – but at least she had that.  I’m glad Ty noticed the ball at least.

7.      Nudity is specifically defined. The day we were on the beach with the bottomless lady, the kids saw the police scan the beach from the cliff. The kids asked what they were looking for and Todd told them indecently dressed people because you can be arrested for nudity. They thought for sure most of the beach was going to be carried off to the pokey. Todd had to explain that nudity was completely naked and everyone on our beach was fine because bottomless had switched to topless.

8.      In remote areas, people bend the rules. On the march back to civilization in Farat, Tanner our explorer on this leg, was a bit ahead of me. At one point he comes running back with eyes as round as saucers screaming, “There’s a naked bum swimming in that cove!” I was sure the bum was attached to someone. As we clear the corner, we see a strategically placed umbrella blocking access down to the cove. As we round the other side of the cove, we see a man peeking out of the rocks resembling a leathery Gollum, assuming Gollum ever got any sun. He started us down as we went by – like we wanted to share his naked swimming cove anyway. He and his leather girlfriend could have it, thank you very much. We noticed her on the other side of Gollum’s rock, just as naked and just as leathery. These are not the beautiful views I mentioned in the walk back, by the way.

9.      And last but not least of your beach etiquette – sports are completely acceptable with or without a complete swimsuit. Our beach faux-paus in Farat provided us with many etiquette lessons. The piece – resistance.... you must say it with a french accent, was the woman playing smash ball. Not only was she playing, she was playing with vigor and to win. Her partner, her twelve year old son. I am not speechless very much, but this had my mouth lapping up sand on the road. This woman was sporty. She was diving, and digging, and weaving, and jumping all over the place… and so was everything else. I hope we can’t top this. Because if we can, I am becoming scared about how much European beach etiquette I want to learn.

Thank heavens the forecast for Paris and London are cloudy with rain. Maybe the Europeans throw caution to the wind because we are in The French Riviera. I know they at least throw half their bathing suits to the wind.    

We can show this grandma in her swimming gear. Most have the cap and the fins, but are missing the top.

Good for Grandpa, grandma must have made him and elasticwrap so he doesn't have to manage a hand towel and his suit. There are benefits to getting old.

Oh no, Tanner has gone European! He is actually cleaning out his suit. I guess he figures when in Rome, do as the Romans. In The French Riviera, ....

Clean them out good Tanner.

You have to see it to beleive it.

I told you she had game. Thank heavens for a daughter who knows how to photoshop.